getting to know your friends at Christmas!

A friend sent his forward to me and this was the helarious result:

1. Wrapping Paper or gift bags? Toilet paper is better. That way, it can
be used after the present is opened
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. I depend on my neighbor when he throws
his away. After he’s done with it. I then retrieve it from the dumpster
and set it up. Last year it was a stick by the time he got rid of it.
3. When do you put up the tree? Neighbor puts it up in July. He hears
about Christmas in July, and up goes the tree. Never fails each year.
4. When do you take the tree down? After the ashes stop smoldering
5. Do you like eggnog? No. I don’t do chicken embryos that way and I
don’t like chicken amniotic fluid.
. 6. Favorite gift received as a child? My mother’s toenail that fell off
her big toe.
8. Easiest person to buy for? Myself.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? I wish. but I’d like to have several wise
men. for its only speculated that there were 3.
10. Mail or Email cards? Smoke signals. helium filled balloons work well
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Hand-me-down underwear. They
were my sister Mary’s.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Where’s the Snow. A HEART-WARMING story
about a Phoenix, Ariz. family that dons winter garb attempting to build a
snowman using brown wet sand.
You’ll have tears in your eyes during the snowball fight. One could never
imagine how much pain mud clots can inflict.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Never.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes. Those underwear.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?. Can’t say.
16. Lights? One big sun lamp bulb. Reason for the ashes.
17. Favorite Christmas song. I’m Dreming Of a Brown Christmas
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel without leaving my chair.
19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Name them! I shot them! Pooped
on my head one night.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Zildjian splash cymbal
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning. Neither. Wait till
Groundhog Day.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Hearing, “I want this
for Christmas …” “I want that for Christmas …”
23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? Ornament: Santa kicking Rudolf in
the butt made out of used dental floss;
24. Favorite for Christmas Dinner? Cold oatmeal with frozen mustard balls.
Mmmmmm. Good.
25. What do you want to do for Christmas this year? Bite all my fingernails
at once.
26. Favorite holiday drink? Booze, booze, booze
27. Who is most likely to respond to this? All the people in my head.
28. How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? 35 years.
29. Favorite Christmas memory from childhood? Finding out my tongue wouldn’t
stick to a metal pole here in Hell West.
28. Favorite thing about this Christmas?. Being blessed to see another
29. Favorite Christmas memory. My first hicky from the vacuum cleaner.
30. Would you rather get a movie DVD or a music CD for Christmas? Do I have
to choose? I rather get brown wet sand.


Dissecting Holiday Music

boring title, I know. But let’s brebe real here, people. Who wants to drink a cup of cheer? I mean, what would a cup of cheer taste like? How about we sing I’m Dremaing of a Black Christmas? Or, Deck the Halls with Bows of HOlly, falalalalalala, Santa Clause is fat and jolly–or was itugly? maybe, “OH, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, your brown needles are drooping….” Or, worst yet, “SCroogy Christmas, to You. They know that the Grinch is on his way. He’s got lots of coal and nightmares in his sleigh. And every mother’s brat is gonna spy, ,to see if little dogs really know how to fly….” And, look, here comes Rudolph the Snot-nosed reindeer!Ha! NEed a tissue there, buddy? Uh-oh, Carol’s on the spinnet–whatever that is–better rescue her. And when the party’s over Frosty will melt, and everyone will get five lumps of coal and by the time you’re done reading this silly post it won’t be such a wonderful time of the year in a winter wonder land, wherever that is.

Music wars: a family rant

Alright, so everyone in the family has different music tastes. TAste that nobody agrees on. That everybody groans on and complains about til you turn it off. Typical. Which proves my family’s typical and normal–as normal as normal gets, whatever normal consists of. IN my family, MOm plays her old Jesus people tapes from the sixties and seventies. Newre religious music is all worship with her, though, like MIchael W. Smith and John MIchael Talbet. A MIchael conspiracy? Hmm. WEll, MOM had these tapes for’e’e’e’e’e’ver. Since she was a teenager. She plays the Jesus peo;people tape, as I like to call it, in the car. So far she’s played it for about four months straight. I kept record. IT’s such anold tape the sound on it is fading. Mom pulls up to the curb to pick me up from the bus stop today, beeping her horn. As I get into the car, it’s, “Jesus will set you free…” accompanied with a ddude playing the triangle offbeat. Okay, fine. I tune it out. I like my jazz. Everybody in my family hates jazz. How I ever developed a taste in jazz is a mystery. DAd calls jazz raunchy Chicago music. I’m serious. Raunchy? Excuse me? Half the singers he likes are all dead! Well, Frank Sonatra is. I’m not saying half the oldies are bad. I would sit listening to the oldies show on a Saturday night in my room, when I was twelve and thought it was the coolest thing. Did I need a life or what? When were they going to play that Hair song by the Calsols? HOw do you spell their name anywya? Or Born to be Wild? They were my faves back then. Still are, actually. Oh, and don’t get Dad going on country music. AS kids, I was afraid to keep DAd’s radio on the country station by accident. He was detested country so much I thought he’d butcher me if he turned on his beloved radio and heard HOnky-tonk USA, and “My horse got drunk today so I drove the one-wheeled truck far, far away…no way hosae, whoever that is…man, I got to take a whizz…” –ahem!–NOw, DAd loved his moldy oldies. SCary to say, I actually like KNights in White Satain! And that Hair song, which DAd doesn’t own. HE went on this crazy Time LIfe splurge one year and ordered a thousand seventies CD’s. Let me tell you, they bore everyone in the house, and after he got bored with them, shoved them all in the back of a drawer and didn’t play them for a year or more. Now, my youngest sis likes the same stuff pretty much as MOm. Worship music. But she also likes this Christian rapper, a priest actually, Fr. STan Fortuna, and, well, Dad and me hate rap. Worse yet, my sis plays the CD and then runs off to another room and leaves us to be tortured by Jesus Talks song. “Yeah, Jesus talks, Jesus Walks…” and, “JP2, we love you…” (about Pope JOhn Paul II, this rapper’s biggest fan). My other sister was more into getting music from her boyfriend, music downloaded, so she got the latest in mixed rap, rock and, yeah, country. ARg. Very strange mix. So, in my family we have raunchy Chicago music, Jesus people music, moldy oldies, Christian rap, and mixed up downloaded music. NOone can make any real compormises. WE just tolerate with a little groanand say, “What, is, that?” as the soundwaves cringe and cower inside our eardrums.