getting to know your friends at Christmas!

A friend sent his forward to me and this was the helarious result:

1. Wrapping Paper or gift bags? Toilet paper is better. That way, it can
be used after the present is opened
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. I depend on my neighbor when he throws
his away. After he’s done with it. I then retrieve it from the dumpster
and set it up. Last year it was a stick by the time he got rid of it.
3. When do you put up the tree? Neighbor puts it up in July. He hears
about Christmas in July, and up goes the tree. Never fails each year.
4. When do you take the tree down? After the ashes stop smoldering
5. Do you like eggnog? No. I don’t do chicken embryos that way and I
don’t like chicken amniotic fluid.
. 6. Favorite gift received as a child? My mother’s toenail that fell off
her big toe.
8. Easiest person to buy for? Myself.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? I wish. but I’d like to have several wise
men. for its only speculated that there were 3.
10. Mail or Email cards? Smoke signals. helium filled balloons work well
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Hand-me-down underwear. They
were my sister Mary’s.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Where’s the Snow. A HEART-WARMING story
about a Phoenix, Ariz. family that dons winter garb attempting to build a
snowman using brown wet sand.
You’ll have tears in your eyes during the snowball fight. One could never
imagine how much pain mud clots can inflict.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Never.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes. Those underwear.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?. Can’t say.
16. Lights? One big sun lamp bulb. Reason for the ashes.
17. Favorite Christmas song. I’m Dreming Of a Brown Christmas
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel without leaving my chair.
19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Name them! I shot them! Pooped
on my head one night.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Zildjian splash cymbal
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning. Neither. Wait till
Groundhog Day.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Hearing, “I want this
for Christmas …” “I want that for Christmas …”
23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? Ornament: Santa kicking Rudolf in
the butt made out of used dental floss;
24. Favorite for Christmas Dinner? Cold oatmeal with frozen mustard balls.
Mmmmmm. Good.
25. What do you want to do for Christmas this year? Bite all my fingernails
at once.
26. Favorite holiday drink? Booze, booze, booze
27. Who is most likely to respond to this? All the people in my head.
28. How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? 35 years.
29. Favorite Christmas memory from childhood? Finding out my tongue wouldn’t
stick to a metal pole here in Hell West.
28. Favorite thing about this Christmas?. Being blessed to see another
29. Favorite Christmas memory. My first hicky from the vacuum cleaner.
30. Would you rather get a movie DVD or a music CD for Christmas? Do I have
to choose? I rather get brown wet sand.