Dissecting Holiday Music

boring title, I know. But let’s brebe real here, people. Who wants to drink a cup of cheer? I mean, what would a cup of cheer taste like? How about we sing I’m Dremaing of a Black Christmas? Or, Deck the Halls with Bows of HOlly, falalalalalala, Santa Clause is fat and jolly–or was itugly? maybe, “OH, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, your brown needles are drooping….” Or, worst yet, “SCroogy Christmas, to You. They know that the Grinch is on his way. He’s got lots of coal and nightmares in his sleigh. And every mother’s brat is gonna spy, ,to see if little dogs really know how to fly….” And, look, here comes Rudolph the Snot-nosed reindeer!Ha! NEed a tissue there, buddy? Uh-oh, Carol’s on the spinnet–whatever that is–better rescue her. And when the party’s over Frosty will melt, and everyone will get five lumps of coal and by the time you’re done reading this silly post it won’t be such a wonderful time of the year in a winter wonder land, wherever that is.

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a really gross Thanksgiving joke

An email friend sent this disgusting joke to me, and I had to share it with you all. IF you’re eating anything at this moment, spit it out! Trust me.
>>THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR
>>YEARS.
>>
>>THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND’S HABIT OF
>>FARTING
>>LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE
>>AND
>>THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
>>
>>EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF
>>BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN’T STOP IT
>>AND
>>THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE
>>WAS
>>CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
>>
>>THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE
>>THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND
>>HE
>>WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK,
>>GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME
>>TO
>>HER.
>>
>>SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND
>>ASLEEP
>>
>>AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE
>>ELASTIC
>>WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO
>>HIS SHORTS.
>>
>>SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL
>>TRUMPETING
>>WHICH  WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF
>>FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD
>>HARDLY
>>CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER
>>EYES!  AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK
>>PRETTY
>>GOOD..
>>
>>ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS
>>BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT
>>HER
>>LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
>>
>>HE SAID, “HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.” “ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED
>>ME
>>AND I DIDN’T LISTEN TO YOU”.
>>
>>”WHAT DO YOU MEAN?” ASKED HIS WIFE.
>>
>>WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY
>>GUTS
>>OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.”
>>
>>BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS.     I THINK
>>I
>>GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!”   This is so nasty I just had to post it, though I almost didn’t.

I Quit!

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers) 

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors’ statements as proof.
We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work. 

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here,
you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having
anything
removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would
certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will
be FIRED
immediately. 

PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first
aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you
will
have to take an hour’s leave without pay. 

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as
we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after
death. 

This new benefit program started yesterday.
The Management  

The Workday Fiasco

Today’s just such a weird day. The first day of real snow for us here in upstate New York and for me, my usual workday, gone crazy. I got up early around six-thirty a.m, rushing around in half a dream as I wolfed down breakfast and got onto the bus around seven-forty. Drive, drive, drive all the way half an hour into the next town and stand around and freeze, freeze, and shivery freeze till our transfer comes. Get on, ride, ride, ride all the way to the shopping plaza where the pet store, where I work, is and show up at the door around eight-thirty a.m. The supervisor opens the door and says, “Wait a minute, the dogs are all sick today.” At first I thought she was kidding.
“You’re kidding?” I’m incredulous, mind racing as I realize Mom’s going to have to pick me up, unless I feel like hanging around for the next six and a half hours before the bus for home shows. No way. I was ticked and sat down in the little office, calling Mom over and over, but the line was busy. Mom blabbing to a relative now that the Thanksgiving trip’s coming up. Apparently my manager from work tried calling yesterday evening to let me know not to come in today but the phone was busy for hours on end. So I got comfy and listened to the two older supervisors talk about the bad employee and how they wished they could stop smoking and eating Burger King Breakfast and all. I had a sugary doughnut and talked back to the rude Quaker parrot squawking noisily at me. IT really doesn’t like me, I translate from parrotan speech to English but all the cute whistling and clucking noises I made to make some kind of friendly conversation with Cranky Quaker failed. Guess I have to brush up more on my Dr. Do’Little skills.
The phone rang, and a weird person asked if the store sold straps that would hold up their female dog they claimed kept falling over during breeding. “NO, sorry,” the supervisor said, then hung up and we all sat there disgusted at the idea of the male humping the female so hard she collapsed under his bulk. “Just hold her up yourself,” suggested one of the supervisors and we all laughed.
I tried calling Mom through an emergency breakthrough by the operator but the operator was too busy to breakthrough. Darn. Apparently the operator didn’t think my situation was a real emergency, or maybe she was too busy playing Free Cell on her computer to care. Finally I got ahold of Mom several minutes later, and she went on and on how she wanted to curl-iron her hair so she wouldn’t look like hell driving down the highway to get me, not that I thought anyone would care how she looked driving sixty miles an hour anyway. She claimed she’d be there at the store within a few minutes, which in her definition is an hour. “So an hour,” I translated. “Yeah,” she confirmed. OH, joy to the world.
I got bored and so with all the phones ringing like crazy I was allowed to be secretary for a day. I thought this was cool and got to sit in the big swivel chair at the desk and would answer the phone, then walkie-talkie a supervisor, since I had no clue on what the customers were asking about. I only bathe the puppies, so I know nothing about the business side of things at the store. A lady who sounded like a guy who needed another extra dose of testosterone called up and I couldn’t figure out what “he” wanted. IT turned out HE-woman wanted to set up an interview to work there, and hadn’t even filled out an application. What a bunch of nutbags!
So while my mind went over the depressing idea of not having a job for two weeks or so while the puppies were all being quarantined, I sat in my big swivel chair waiting for the phone to ring. Ten, fifteen, twenty minutes go by and no ring. Figures. I get to be secretary for a day and I’m already out of a job within twenty minutes, I joked to myself.
Ten o’clock the store opens and MOM showes up. I grabb my checks and head out the door, a supervisor calling, “Bye, Secretary! Enjoy your day off.” Sure. After I go home and sleep in. Can we start this day over?

Tales of Two Turkeys

I live on a farm, and farms can be pretty adventurous and weird at times. NO alien landings, yet, though. Okay, so I have two stories here involving turkeys. ONe’s kind of sad and the other’s a little scary. The sad one was about Henry. DAd raised white turkeys every year for Thanksgiving. HEnry was beat up by the other tom turkeys and so we decided the poor guy wasn’t good enough to eat with all those pecking wounds and things. So we kept him as a pet. He’d go around the barn, gobbling and showing off like all turkey dudes do. My youngest sister got really attached to him. WEll, one winter day, HEnry was found frozen dead in the barn. My youngest sister cried. The strange sight was when her and I loaded the turkey onto a plastic sled and tromped down the field and buried him. It was an epic journey, the journejourney of Henry, the greatest, gentlest turkey ever. NOw, the opposite goes for Miss Turk, who was Henry’s dark twin. Alright, not really, since they weren’t rlated. Now Miss Turk, the stupid name I called her then, also had been picked on by other turkeys. This was after Henry’s death. EVery morning I fed the cats their catfood and MIss Turk, who ranged fre in the barn, would rush over and swallow the dry catfood bits in, uh, gobbles. Heh. I found this really entertaining for some dumb reason. I’d pet the turkey and really liked her. Till she went bad. That summer she began stalking around the yard, and soon became strangely territorial, blocking me at every turn I took the day I was hanging up laundry on the line. IT freakd me out. I headed for the house, but the darn bird blocked me, wings outspread and hissing with every leap as she tried getting me with her talons. She’d grown big, too, with all that catfood,, I guess. I soon grew really scared of MIss Turk and one day I managed to get inside the house, barely escaping her talons to the leg. I told DAD about it and he shot the bird that day. Told ya it wasn’t such a good story. Maybe not even appropriate for this time of season as you sit down to eat that steamy stuffed turkey. Henry or Miss Turk? You decide.

Deep Freeze

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the bird home and tried to teach it how to say a few things, but instead the bird just swore at him. AFter a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man said, “If you don’t stop swearing, I’m going to put you in the freezer as punishment.” The curses continued so the man put the bird in the freezer. ABout an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As he took the shivering bird out of the freezer, it said, “I promise never to swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!”–www.lotsofjokes.com