A friend sent his forward to me and this was the helarious result:

1. Wrapping Paper or gift bags? Toilet paper is better. That way, it can
be used after the present is opened
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. I depend on my neighbor when he throws
his away. After he’s done with it. I then retrieve it from the dumpster
and set it up. Last year it was a stick by the time he got rid of it.
3. When do you put up the tree? Neighbor puts it up in July. He hears
about Christmas in July, and up goes the tree. Never fails each year.
4. When do you take the tree down? After the ashes stop smoldering
5. Do you like eggnog? No. I don’t do chicken embryos that way and I
don’t like chicken amniotic fluid.
. 6. Favorite gift received as a child? My mother’s toenail that fell off
her big toe.
8. Easiest person to buy for? Myself.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? I wish. but I’d like to have several wise
men. for its only speculated that there were 3.
10. Mail or Email cards? Smoke signals. helium filled balloons work well
too.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Hand-me-down underwear. They
were my sister Mary’s.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Where’s the Snow. A HEART-WARMING story
about a Phoenix, Ariz. family that dons winter garb attempting to build a
snowman using brown wet sand.
You’ll have tears in your eyes during the snowball fight. One could never
imagine how much pain mud clots can inflict.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Never.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes. Those underwear.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?. Can’t say.
16. Lights? One big sun lamp bulb. Reason for the ashes.
17. Favorite Christmas song. I’m Dreming Of a Brown Christmas
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel without leaving my chair.
19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Name them! I shot them! Pooped
on my head one night.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Zildjian splash cymbal
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning. Neither. Wait till
Groundhog Day.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Hearing, “I want this
for Christmas …” “I want that for Christmas …”
23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? Ornament: Santa kicking Rudolf in
the butt made out of used dental floss;
24. Favorite for Christmas Dinner? Cold oatmeal with frozen mustard balls.
Mmmmmm. Good.
25. What do you want to do for Christmas this year? Bite all my fingernails
at once.
26. Favorite holiday drink? Booze, booze, booze
27. Who is most likely to respond to this? All the people in my head.
28. How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? 35 years.
29. Favorite Christmas memory from childhood? Finding out my tongue wouldn’t
stick to a metal pole here in Hell West.
28. Favorite thing about this Christmas?. Being blessed to see another
christmas.
29. Favorite Christmas memory. My first hicky from the vacuum cleaner.
30. Would you rather get a movie DVD or a music CD for Christmas? Do I have
to choose? I rather get brown wet sand.

For all who have difficulty converting  units: 

Ratio of an igloo’s  circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =  1 bananosecond 

Weight an evangelist carries  with God = 1 billigram 

Time it takes to sail 220  yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong 

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod  Serling 

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 

1,000,000 aches = 1  megahurtz 

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1  hoarsepower 

Shortest distance between two  jokes = A straight line 

453.6 graham crackers = 1  pound cake 

1 million- microphones = 1  megaphone 

2 million bicycles = 2  megacycles 

365.25 days = 1  unicycle 

2000 mockingbirds = 2  kilomockingbirds 

52 cards = 1  decacards 

1 kilogram of falling figs =  1 Fig Newton 

1000 milliliters of wet socks  = 1 literhosen 

1 millionth of a fish = 1  microfiche 

1 trillion pins = 1  terrapin 

10 rations = 1  decoration 

100 rations = 1  C-ration 

2 monograms = 1  diagram 

4 nickels = 2  paradigms 

2.4 statute miles of  intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV  League 

AND…….100 Senators = Not 1  decision  

Ah, so you’ve decided to detour into the little infamous village of Cuckooville. Or maybe you’re just lost or bored or–gasp!–in a get-away car from the police! Well, now that you’re here, come along and witness the sillier side of life, the side of life not known to most Earthlings and aliens alike. AS for that matter, the citizens of Cuckooville feel the same way about other towns besides their own–way too serious. Yes, this is the place to be for bizarre drama that unfolds everyday here. Rather rediculous but a way of life for these people.
So, whether your truck has lost its wheel and you’re forced to stop for the night, or just need a break from your serious thought bubble, welcome!

It was once said that a black man would be president “When Pigs Fly.”  

Indeed 100 days into Obama’s presidency. Swine Flu   

An Important Message About Growing Old      
     
 
Well CRAP!!  

Now I forgot what I was gonna tell ya!  

An Important Message About Growing Old      
     
 
Well CRAP!!  

Now I forgot what I was gonna tell ya!  

An Important Message About Growing Old      
     
 
Well CRAP!!  

Now I forgot what I was gonna tell ya!  

An Important Message About Growing Old      
     
 
Well CRAP!!  

Now I forgot what I was gonna tell ya!  

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don’t know if they’re celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I’m gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Question: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
(source: www.santa.net)