An Important Message About Growing Old
Well CRAP!!
Now I forgot what I was gonna tell ya!
December 20, 2008
An important message about Growing…
An important message about Growing…
An Important Message About Growing Old
Well CRAP!!
Now I forgot what I was gonna tell ya!
An important message about Growing…
An Important Message About Growing Old
Well CRAP!!
Now I forgot what I was gonna tell ya!
December 5, 2008
Silly Santa jokes
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Question: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
(source: www.santa.net)
March 24, 2008
Computer REport Form–so funny!
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on?
Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse?
Yes__
10. Have you read the manual?
Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you’ve read the manual?
Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual?
No__
13. Do you think you understood it?
Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself?
__________________________________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
__________________________________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the
problem occurred?
__________________________________________
17. If “nothing” explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________
18. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem?
Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel?
__________________________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood.
__________________________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes__ No__
22. Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me?
Yes__
Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems
Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem
will resolve its self or you
will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.
_____________________________________________________________
March 9, 2008
“ride” home about
The bus stop’s a crazy place, and the city bus is even crazier. You meet the strangest people there. How about the day it was actually fifty degrees and sunny–so beautiful!–here in March in upstate New York, and all these old ladies kept blabbing about at the stop was some medicine that made them all loopy and sleepy ? It drove me nuts. One morning as I was waiting for the bus for school, this one weird lady asked if I was waring eyeshadow. I said I wasn’t. I never wear makeup. Then she said how pretty I was, and then to this guy near us if he’d show me his carnations he’d bought for somebody he liked but he was all grouchy about it. The lady was all snappy over it because she wanted me to smell the flowers. Then her friend came over to join her at the bus shelter and said, pointing to me, “Isn’t she pretty?” and everyone gathered around me like i wa some statue or something. It was really uncomfortable. ON the bus itself, it can smell like wet dog, cigarrettes and beer all at once. It’s pretty amazing. And the bratty kids who get on with their mommies for the mall make my day during a fourty-five minute trip. “Mommy, I want it!” screamed the kid. “You’re being a brat,” MOm scolded, “brats don’t deserve rewards.” Then the weird guy from my writing class at school gets on. He calls me Little One, but I’m not little. I’m 5-2 and am over eighteen. He’s the one who can’t pronounce his R’s and wears a blue jacket with bright orange designs on it. Plus, his favorite word’s “wow” and the only metaphor he’s come up with for that is “excellent” when I asked him if he’d come up with one for it yet the other day. The bus driver loves yankign my chain, too. I lost my college ID but the campus security found it and I gave it to the driver since he wanted to see it. “It doesn’t look like you,” he said, his rich deep voiceAfrican-American tone giving him an even more solemn intonation. “REally?” I asked, suddenly confused. “The conplextion’s darker,” and then I suggested they had the wrong person. Then he laughed, “I’m kidding,” and handed the card back to me. I didn’t know what to say so I just said the typical dumb, “I hate you,” and he vowed not to do it again. I still haven’t come up with a good way to get him back. I was never a wisecrack like he is and never street smart, , either. One lady was so lazy she wanted off the bus at a certain part of the block and was real mean about it. “Stop here,” she snapped and the driver pounded the brakes. “Thank you ,” whined the woman as she got off. The bus started again, and the driver muttered, ‘Jeez, couldn’t even walk a few more steps,” as she braked again at the corner only about fifteen feet away from where she’d dropped the woman off. I could go on and on with this but I won’t. They should make a documentary on the day and life of a city bus driver. heck, maybe I will as a passener and all the people who get on and off. That’d be something to “ride” home about.
February 18, 2008
Classified Bllunders
Classified Blunders
Here are real classified ads that didn’t quite work!
1. Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
2. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
3. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.
4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
5. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.
6. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
7. Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children.
8. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
9. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
10. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
11. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
12. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.
13. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
14. For Sale–Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
15. Man, honest. Will take anything.
16. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll
never go anywhere again.
17. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
18. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
19. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
20. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
21. Sign in a cosmetician’s shop window: Complete skin, nail, and hair
removal service.
January 29, 2008
Have Book, Will Waste Space (joke)
AN ASTRONAUT PREPARES FOR HIS FIRST MISSION
An astronaut was packing his bags for his first space mission. Room on the
space shuttle was limited, and he was instructed to pack lightly. The
astronaut
was an avid reader. So he decided to make some sacrifices in order to take a
couple of books. As he was squeezing a book into his case, his wife entered
the room. Seeing the book, she said, “Don’t you think that book would be a
waste of space?”
The Year’s Best (actual) Headlines of 2007
THE YEAR’S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:
Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
