getting to know your friends at Christmas!

A friend sent his forward to me and this was the helarious result:

1. Wrapping Paper or gift bags? Toilet paper is better. That way, it can
be used after the present is opened
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. I depend on my neighbor when he throws
his away. After he’s done with it. I then retrieve it from the dumpster
and set it up. Last year it was a stick by the time he got rid of it.
3. When do you put up the tree? Neighbor puts it up in July. He hears
about Christmas in July, and up goes the tree. Never fails each year.
4. When do you take the tree down? After the ashes stop smoldering
5. Do you like eggnog? No. I don’t do chicken embryos that way and I
don’t like chicken amniotic fluid.
. 6. Favorite gift received as a child? My mother’s toenail that fell off
her big toe.
8. Easiest person to buy for? Myself.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? I wish. but I’d like to have several wise
men. for its only speculated that there were 3.
10. Mail or Email cards? Smoke signals. helium filled balloons work well
too.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Hand-me-down underwear. They
were my sister Mary’s.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Where’s the Snow. A HEART-WARMING story
about a Phoenix, Ariz. family that dons winter garb attempting to build a
snowman using brown wet sand.
You’ll have tears in your eyes during the snowball fight. One could never
imagine how much pain mud clots can inflict.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Never.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes. Those underwear.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?. Can’t say.
16. Lights? One big sun lamp bulb. Reason for the ashes.
17. Favorite Christmas song. I’m Dreming Of a Brown Christmas
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel without leaving my chair.
19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Name them! I shot them! Pooped
on my head one night.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Zildjian splash cymbal
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning. Neither. Wait till
Groundhog Day.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Hearing, “I want this
for Christmas …” “I want that for Christmas …”
23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? Ornament: Santa kicking Rudolf in
the butt made out of used dental floss;
24. Favorite for Christmas Dinner? Cold oatmeal with frozen mustard balls.
Mmmmmm. Good.
25. What do you want to do for Christmas this year? Bite all my fingernails
at once.
26. Favorite holiday drink? Booze, booze, booze
27. Who is most likely to respond to this? All the people in my head.
28. How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? 35 years.
29. Favorite Christmas memory from childhood? Finding out my tongue wouldn’t
stick to a metal pole here in Hell West.
28. Favorite thing about this Christmas?. Being blessed to see another
christmas.
29. Favorite Christmas memory. My first hicky from the vacuum cleaner.
30. Would you rather get a movie DVD or a music CD for Christmas? Do I have
to choose? I rather get brown wet sand.

Measuring Units–Cuckooville Style!

For all who have difficulty converting  units: 

Ratio of an igloo’s  circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =  1 bananosecond 

Weight an evangelist carries  with God = 1 billigram 

Time it takes to sail 220  yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong 

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod  Serling 

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 

1,000,000 aches = 1  megahurtz 

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1  hoarsepower 

Shortest distance between two  jokes = A straight line 

453.6 graham crackers = 1  pound cake 

1 million- microphones = 1  megaphone 

2 million bicycles = 2  megacycles 

365.25 days = 1  unicycle 

2000 mockingbirds = 2  kilomockingbirds 

52 cards = 1  decacards 

1 kilogram of falling figs =  1 Fig Newton 

1000 milliliters of wet socks  = 1 literhosen 

1 millionth of a fish = 1  microfiche 

1 trillion pins = 1  terrapin 

10 rations = 1  decoration 

100 rations = 1  C-ration 

2 monograms = 1  diagram 

4 nickels = 2  paradigms 

2.4 statute miles of  intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV  League 

AND…….100 Senators = Not 1  decision  

IT was Once Said…

It was once said that a black man would be president “When Pigs Fly.”  

Indeed 100 days into Obama’s presidency. Swine Flu   

An Important Message about Grwoing…

An Important Message About Growing Old      
     
 
Well CRAP!!  

Now I forgot what I was gonna tell ya!  

Lights, Christmas, laughing!

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don’t know if they’re celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I’m gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Obama and Snowwhite

Snow White was preparing dinner, when she heard on the radio that there had
been an explosion down in the mine where the 7 dwarfs worked. In a state of
worry and panic, she hurried to the mine.  As she entered the shaft, she
heard far off in the distance a voice saying, “Vote for Obama!  Vote for
Obama!”
At this point a smile broke across her face and she said, “Well, at least
Dopey is still alive!”   

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when: 

10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 

9.  You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 

8.  You ask for high fiber candy only. 

7.  When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your Balance and fall over. 

6.  People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,”
     And you’re not wearing a mask.
5.  When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…”
And can’t remember the rest. 

4.  By the end of the night,
you have a bag full of restraining orders. 

3.  You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your
hairpiece. 

2.  You’re the only Power Ranger in the
neighborhood with a walker. 

And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating…
*
*
*
1.  You keep having to go home to pee.    

Sarah and the Pope

Sarah & The Pope 

Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is  

vacationing south of Rome n Venice . 
The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private  

audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage,  

if any.
The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride  

through the canals of Venice .
They’re admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when,  

all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head  

and out into the water.
The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff’s cap with his  

pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.
Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, ‘Wait, wait. I’ll take  

care of this. Don’t worry.’
She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and  

walks out to the Pope’s hat, bends over and picks it up.  She  

walks back across the water to
the gondola and steps aboard.
She hands the hat to the Pope a mid stunned silence.
The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in  

Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York  

Times, Hollywood celebrities, and
in France and Germany is: 

‘Palin Can’t Swim.  

New Stock Market Terms

> NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
>
> CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
>
> CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
>
> BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
> himself for a financial genius.
>
> BEAR MARKET — A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the
> wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
>
> VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
>
> P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
> keeps crashing.
>
> BROKER — What my broker has made me.
>
> STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
>
> STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
>
> STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
> between themselves.
>
> FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
>
> MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
>
> CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
> toilet.
>
> YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
> share.
>
> WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @
> $240 per share.
>
> INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a
> nuthouse.
>
> PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.   

Democrats–this may offend you!

Seems appropriate considering the timing….. 

While out campaigning, Old John stopped at a small village and
started
looking around for a stand to make his speech from. All he  

could
find
was a big pile of horse manure, so he climbed up on that and  

said,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the first time I have ever made  

a
Republican speech from a Democratic platform.