IT was Once Said…

It was once said that a black man would be president “When Pigs Fly.”  

Indeed 100 days into Obama’s presidency. Swine Flu   

An Important Message about Grwoing…

An Important Message About Growing Old      
     
 
Well CRAP!!  

Now I forgot what I was gonna tell ya!  

Lights, Christmas, laughing!

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don’t know if they’re celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I’m gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Obama and Snowwhite

Snow White was preparing dinner, when she heard on the radio that there had
been an explosion down in the mine where the 7 dwarfs worked. In a state of
worry and panic, she hurried to the mine.  As she entered the shaft, she
heard far off in the distance a voice saying, “Vote for Obama!  Vote for
Obama!”
At this point a smile broke across her face and she said, “Well, at least
Dopey is still alive!”   

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when: 

10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 

9.  You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 

8.  You ask for high fiber candy only. 

7.  When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your Balance and fall over. 

6.  People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,”
     And you’re not wearing a mask.
5.  When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…”
And can’t remember the rest. 

4.  By the end of the night,
you have a bag full of restraining orders. 

3.  You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your
hairpiece. 

2.  You’re the only Power Ranger in the
neighborhood with a walker. 

And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating…
*
*
*
1.  You keep having to go home to pee.    

Sarah and the Pope

Sarah & The Pope 

Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is  

vacationing south of Rome n Venice . 
The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private  

audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage,  

if any.
The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride  

through the canals of Venice .
They’re admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when,  

all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head  

and out into the water.
The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff’s cap with his  

pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.
Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, ‘Wait, wait. I’ll take  

care of this. Don’t worry.’
She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and  

walks out to the Pope’s hat, bends over and picks it up.  She  

walks back across the water to
the gondola and steps aboard.
She hands the hat to the Pope a mid stunned silence.
The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in  

Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York  

Times, Hollywood celebrities, and
in France and Germany is: 

‘Palin Can’t Swim.  

New Stock Market Terms

> NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
>
> CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
>
> CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
>
> BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
> himself for a financial genius.
>
> BEAR MARKET — A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the
> wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
>
> VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
>
> P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
> keeps crashing.
>
> BROKER — What my broker has made me.
>
> STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
>
> STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
>
> STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
> between themselves.
>
> FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
>
> MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
>
> CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
> toilet.
>
> YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
> share.
>
> WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @
> $240 per share.
>
> INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a
> nuthouse.
>
> PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.   

Democrats–this may offend you!

Seems appropriate considering the timing….. 

While out campaigning, Old John stopped at a small village and
started
looking around for a stand to make his speech from. All he  

could
find
was a big pile of horse manure, so he climbed up on that and  

said,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the first time I have ever made  

a
Republican speech from a Democratic platform.  

Top Ten Signs the Guy Mugging You has NEver Mugged Before

Top Ten Signs That The Guy Mugging You Has
Never Mugged Before 

10. After taking money, asks if you want a
receipt.
9. In addition to wearing a ski mask, he’s
got skis and poles.
8. Asks you to hold his gun while he puts
on some Chapstick
7. When he’s done he says, “That was fun,
now you mug me”.
6. You’re a policeman in full uniform,
standing right in front
of the station house, surrounded by fellow
officers carrying
assault rifles.
5. When you yell “stop thief”. . .  he
does.
4. During police line-up he waves to you
and shouts “remember me”.
3. Tells you he wouldn’t be doing this if
Sienfeld hadn’t
been cancelled.
2. He keeps saying, “You understand I’m
doing this for the
baby and Marla”.
1. Accepts IOU’s…and phone cards.  

Trick-Or-Treat, smell my feet, give me something fun to read: a Halloween Story

MOm used to dictate what me and my sister would be for Halloween every year. WE hated it. For at least three years in a row she dressed us up in these twin bright orange pumpkin costumes, complete with a pumpkin cap with a green stem on top, and black leggings and arm sleeves. WE looked fat and hated those things, standing there in the video camera lens MOm aimed at us one Halloween evening before trick-or-treating.Then, when I was about seven, and was old enough to know what I wanted to be for Halloween, and when the stupid pumpkin costumes finally got too small on us, and were handed down to our little sister, to her horror and me and my sister’s utter delight, MOm became the costume police. “NO, be something nice,” she’d say when I wanted to be a werewolf one year. so I ended up as a pretty little princess, with one of those dollar store wands with the cheap sparkly golden star on a stick and a matching tiara. My other sister, the one who shared the pumpkin trauma days with me, also was a princess. I actually had this thing for immmitating my sister, despite the fact she was one year younger than me and I was the oldest. Well, the next year I was a princess again, since MOm pretty much killed my enthusiasm for coming up with anything creative for Halloween. Finally, when I turned twelve that year, and MOm thought we were all too old for trick-or-treating, DAd let us go. WE were so happy. And, I got to be a werewolf, waring the silly cheap rubber werewolf mask, (AKA Weedy Dog–see post “Beware the Weedy Dog!). WEll, we wouldn’t shut up about trick-or-treting, my sister and me, so Mom reluctantly drove us into town that night. IT was great. IT was my last year of trick-or-treating, too, and costuming for a long time. NOw, I know I didn’t put much effort into my costume, since it was a ten minute last decision, saved by Dad deal. Now, I’m legally blind, and I thought nothing of this as I was going house to house in my jacket, jeans and shoes, and that darn mask on my face as MOm led me around. I also carried my white cane, and didn’t think anything of it till this idiot kid in a gorilla suit muttered, “A blind werewolf?” as I past him by up a porch. Now, if I’d been smart and more bold then, I would have growled at him, and maybe said a few little “blind werewolfy” words to him. But I just bubbled with rage. Reminded me of a story a friend told me how he, also legally blind, went one year for Halloween as a TV made from a cardboard box with the weather logo on the front, and some snot-nosed kid said, “Look, a blind TV.” Then my friend, also twelve at the time and not knowing what else to say, said in his squeakiest and nmost annoying voice how the wetaher was going to be crappy, stormy and rainy all week long. Then, another embarrassment as MOm yacked up a storm to one of our friends’ mom, dressed up as some whacky vampire with hairsprayed hair sticking up all over and in a rediculous long cape, the mom asked what I was supposed to be. Before I could proudly answer, Mom said loudly, “She’s a wee-wee dog.” Instatnly I felt my face redden behind the rubber cheeks melting under their heat. “NO, MOm, I”m a werewolf !” I cried. I never forgot that night. I remember vaguely complaining to Mom after we left how she embarrassed me, and making this huge deal about it. REally dumb, but whatever, I was a twirpy twelve-year-old not even able to addd fractions up yet, like I should have known by then. So, that wsa the final end of my trick-or-treating days. And you know what, twelve years later I’m back in the Halloween spirit again, and am going to dress up as a werewolf. Yep! But much more cleverly, and this time, with a tail. And yes, I’ll still be a blind werewolf, but one who will growl.